Tainted Love: I know how One Day’s Emma felt in that restaurant

There was a scene in the Netflix hit One Day that really resonated with me. Dexter brings Emma to a fancy restaurant and throughout the meal is obnoxious and dismissive towards her. He keeps looking around and eyeing up the cigarette seller until he propositions her. Emma is left neglected and humiliated at the table.

While living with my ex I decided to stop going out with him as this was often how I felt. It would shock me how he could switch from being disengaged with me to being over-the-top friendly to barmen, waitresses, taxi drivers – anybody else really.

En route to a restaurant or gig he would only give monosyllabic answers if I tried to strike up conversation. He never seemed excited or happy – especially when it was something I had arranged, like tickets to his favourite band or dinner and cocktails for his birthday.

Even just going to the local pub was painful. One occasion that springs to mind is a midweek night where he and I just sat there in virtual silence. He watched the match and looked at his phone. I felt like we were that dreaded, middle-aged couple staring into space with nothing left to say to each other.

I always found these experiences jarring because at home we would have some chats and laughs. My inner narrative when out in public went something like this: “He must be tired after a hard-day’s work. He did make a nice dinner today so I’d better not give out. Maybe he’s just a quiet person really.”

In an effort to break the deadlock while out with him, I would get chatting to other people and try to include him. I’d start dancing or sing karaoke. More often than not, this led to him going off in a huff or having a mini tantrum on the way home.

Following a night out in the local after Covid restrictions ended, I got emotional from being reunited with old friends. He crossed the road, embarrassed to be seen with me, and gave me the silent treatment for three days. He then said he would leave me to my “admirers” in the pub and never go with me there ever again.

So began a long stretch of him going out without me while I mostly stayed at home and occasionally met my friends. I told myself the minimal time we spent at home together was enough – even though deep down I knew it wasn’t.

When finishing with me, he said “we never do anything together” and “you should have surprised me more”. In reality, as I found out later, he had already lined up another (younger) woman who he believed lived up to these expectations.

How I wish I had walked away like Emma did after being in that restaurant with Dexter. If I had the first time he made me feel the same way I could have avoided not just one day of neglect and humiliation, but months and years of it.