Love bombing: When a gift is not just a gift

Within two months of seeing each other, my ex bought me a piano out of the blue. I had told him I used to play as a teenager and hoped to one day get back to it. He was elated telling me what he had done; I, on the other hand, felt uneasy and said I would have to check it out first. Apart from anything else, there was no room for a piano in my house.

I knew something wasn’t right when I went to the friend he had bought it from. The piano-seller answered the door at 2pm in the afternoon, scratching himself and yawning. Covered in dust, the piano was out of tune and had two keys missing. I got stressed about telling my ex I didn’t want it. What if I offended him and he didn’t want to see me any more? But I had to tell him, and he ended up selling it on eBay.

The piano fiasco happened during a phase of my relationship which I now accept was love bombing. As the name suggests, love bombing is an onslaught of attention, flattery and gestures that comes at you with intoxicating force, often with a new partner. It typically happens when you’re vulnerable in some way – in my case, it was a few months after my dad died.

Unlike traditional ‘wooing’ or falling in love, love bombing is overpowering and its purpose is to manipulate and control the target. Its duration can vary, but generally it lasts a few months; then, often, stops dramatically to be replaced by emotional abuse such as silent treatment, ghosting and withdrawal of affection and attention.

The love-bomber carefully identifies what’s missing in your life and cleverly fills the gaps in a stealthy way. The relentlessness of the contact and apparent connection is all-consuming. The dopamine it produces in your system tells you this is wonderful – you have never felt so attractive, appreciated and desired! At the same time, it distracts you from whatever was causing you discomfort and which, perhaps, you didn’t want to face.

Signs to look out for

The most obvious aspect of love bombing to be wary of is the nature of the gift-giving. The key thing to watch out for is being given things you may like but don’t actually want, and when the size and cost of these gifts is not proportionate to how well you know each other or the stage you’re at in the relationship. For me, it was a piano, but it can be anything from a designer handbag to a sudden weekend away to Paris.

Think, then, about how the giver behaves. Is there ever any consultation of what you would like? Are they waiting for praise and thanks whenever they give you something? And do you start to feel obliged to shower them with this each time, no matter how small the gesture? Is it all getting a bit draining?

If such a pattern is emerging, there is a strong likelihood that you’re dealing with love bombing. These presents and acts of service are all about eliciting a reaction in you that makes the giver feel good about themselves, rather than making you feel good.

With your judgement clouded by dopamine, other aspects of love bombing are harder to identify. They can be subtle acts, not as overt as gift-giving, tapping into your disappointments and disillusionments in life. For instance, I had told my ex about previous partners’ shortcomings, such as not holding down jobs or being unreliable with money. So my experience of love bombing included his demonstrations of a strong work ethic and paying for everything when we went out.

This form of love bombing can also be about the love-bomber zoning in on the things about yourself that you want other people to appreciate and maybe don’t feel enough recognition for. You’re smart, you’re a grafter, you’re well educated, you’re independent, you’re so funny – all phrases I heard often in the early days, on top of comments about me looking way younger than my age and having a body to die for. The first text I got from him was: “I see you’re still setting off fire alarms!”

Dealing with love bombing

If someone is simply besotted with you, you don’t want to be overly suspicious or sceptical of how they choose to show it. Telling a red flag apart from a genuine gesture starts with regular check-ins with yourself on how this person’s actions and words make you feel. Do you feel pressurised? Uneasy? Overwhelmed? Stressed, even? A genuine act of kindness or gift will make you feel warm and fuzzy inside when you receive it and long afterwards too.

Listen to your gut and trust your intuition. If something feels ‘off’ about the excessive attention you’re receiving, it most likely is. And if it seems too good to be true, chances are that’s the case as well.

Recognise that you don’t have to go along with everything this person is doing for fear of them rejecting you. It is OK to tell them you don’t like something or that it’s too much, too soon. Then, gauge their reaction. If they accept this and adjust their behaviour, they are validating your feelings. If they seem annoyed and pull back, their motives may not be decent.

You should not feel beholden to this person or obliged to do what they want because they have paid you so much attention and given you things. In a healthy relationship, giving should not be conditional.