Tainted Love: When my narcissistic ex started ‘hoovering’, it was time for a spring clean

I was emptying the hoover the other day and it struck me how straightforward it was. Then I squashed down the cardboard and plastic in the green bin before putting it out – again, easy-peasy.

My ex used to make such a production out of these simple tasks. He had bought and assembled the hoover and made it his job to empty it in ceremonial fashion. (He never actually vacuumed the floors though, or did any cleaning whatsoever.)

When the green bin got full, he would stand on a chair outside, wave at me through the window and then stamp on the contents. Because he took charge of this and the hoover mechanics I got it into my head that these jobs were somehow too hard for me.

This notion seems so ridiculous to me now. I also appreciate the irony as, in the months after he left, ‘hoovering’ and ‘recycling’ took on new meanings for me when I started to learn about covert narcissism.

‘Hoovering’ is when a covert narcissist uses underhanded tactics to suck you back in, after the relationship has ended or even just when you show signs of recognising their toxic behaviour. It’s a way of trying to reassert power and control. The objective is to get the person’s attention (either positive or negative) to see if they still care and can be manipulated again.

Covert narcissists will ‘recycle’ exes in this way for various reasons – often because they’re bored, or things haven’t worked out the way they wanted and their ex has something to offer such as a place to live. Crucially, it’s not because they miss their ex as a person, but that they miss what their ex used to give them.

My former partner’s hoovering and recycling started with messages of regret and fake apologies. How he treated me was the “biggest mistake” of his life. He even said he would sing Cher’s If I Could Turn Back Time to convince me how sorry he was.

Then came the flurry of compliments. I was “beautiful”, “top notch”, “a real professional”, “great company”, “the best craic”. A recurring one that got on my nerves was how he said I didn’t age and had “perfect skin”. (He had cheated on me with a younger woman.)

Alarming texts were a key feature of his hoovering attempts. For example, his mother was in hospital and “on the way out”. Or his aunt had fallen down the stairs. He would go offline for hours and then subsequent texts days later wouldn’t even mention what had happened since.

In his more desperate moments, my ex used gifts and false promises to try to lure me back. This approach irritated me the most. He sent me an irrelevant meme two days after forgetting my birthday. When I pointed this out, he told me an hour later there would be an Amazon delivery. It was scented candles, which he knew I liked, but most of the scents made me gag.

He said tradesmen could come to the house one Friday to look at a repair job and that he would pay for it. They never turned up. He didn’t text me until the next day to say “sorry that they were busy” and telling me he was on holidays. I kicked myself over that one.

I think I indulged the hoovering out of some morbid fascination to see if he would do the things I’d read about. After a while, it just got boring and I was able to let the dust settle on the breakup. And while I’m all in favour of saving the planet by recycling, I’m now much more focused on protecting myself.

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