The Accidental Columnist: Looking for self-love in all the wrong places

When I was younger, I never dreamt I’d have a boyfriend. I thought I’d go my whole life without dating guys. Deep down, though, I wanted a guy to notice me more than anything.

Long before Meredith Grey stood in a fake operating room entreating, “Pick me. Choose me. Love me,” I was desperately hoping that Jake Long from American Dragon would date Rose or that Malina would finally say yes to a date with Kuzco (living vicariously through these cartoon women was my way of ‘living gay’ in stealth).

The idea of a guy liking me seemed like something that would only exist in fairytales. So much so that anytime a guy showed a morsel of interest in me, it felt like a fantasy come to life – even if that was far from the case.

If he initially showed interest in me and then I had to chase him, it was game over for me. Breadcrumbing: I couldn’t get enough of it. I latched onto men as a way to prove to myself that I was worth something. Like many people, I craved the validation that being with someone seems to bring – especially when we’re young.

Our developing brains are more impulsive. The impact of love affects us neurobiologically, to the point that we may make decisions we otherwise would not. We can forgo all sense of rationality to secure ‘love’ and then do everything possible to prevent a heartbreak.

Heartbreak. My god. Is there anything worse? Losing a loved one can be one of the most traumatic experiences in our lives. Breakups affect us systematically – from our thoughts down to our functions – so it is no wonder we do everything to prevent them. And, boy, have I had my fair share of heartbreak.

I’ve written before about how I placed a lot of my self-worth on external validation. No area in my life was more affected by this than my romantic pursuits. It would be lying to say that I don’t actively work on this even today.

What I’ve learned is that there is no greater recipe for unhealthy relationships and devastating heartbreak than a weak sense of self, and a dearth of interests and friendships outside of a relationship. (‘Please don’t leave me because I am nothing without you.’)

I’ve lost countless days of my life – probably months – to the devastation of a breakup or the simple fact of someone not being interested in me. It’s embarrassing to admit, though the people close to me know this all too well.

When I reflect on these experiences, what got me through was focusing on the things I care about, loving work, finding hobbies and interests, and spending time with friends whom I enjoy being around.

Relationships are at their best when we are our best selves in them. And, trust me, you are not your best self when you’re contorting yourself to get an ounce of attention out of someone.

As Alan Downs speaks about in The Velvet Rage, the pursuit of external validation over internal contentment is always a flawed path. It is a cycle that perpetuates itself – until you break it.

Are you feeling short of self-worth? Take steps to grow your confidence in this masterclass with life coach Mark Fennell.