I used to have a running joke with an ex-partner: if we combined his €100,000 in savings with my finances, we’d have €80,000 in savings! While it was said in jest, it was an ongoing reminder of our starkly different approaches to money. My attitude, taken from my parents, has always been ‘there’s no towbar on a hearse’ – meaning you can’t take it with you, so enjoy it now. My partner, on the other hand, was much more frugal. Although our relationship ended before we moved in together, I often wonder how we would have navigated our financial differences had we decided to take the plunge.
However you decide to approach your personal finances, when you choose to live together as a couple, your positions become entangled, whether or not you opt to combine your accounts. For example, if your partner carries significant debt, it could mean delaying major financial milestones like buying a house, or having to scale back on certain activities or purchases. On the other hand, if your partner is a diligent saver who prefers a more frugal lifestyle, it may require some adjustment to align your spending habits and expectations. The most important thing is finding a balance that works for both of you, and that starts with clear and consistent communication.
But money can be a tricky subject to broach. Most of us shy away from even discussing our salaries, and that’s money coming from a corporate entity with zero personal involvement. So when it comes to talking about money matters within a relationship, it’s understandable that it can be challenging. And if you grew up without much of it, it can be a sensitive topic – a reminder of instability and missed opportunities. While some couples openly discuss their spending habits from day one, for others, up until they move in together, finances can be very much discussed on a strictly need-to-know basis.
It’s crucial to take some time to address these differences before moving in together in order to avoid unnecessary stress and provide a quick pre-move litmus test on your financial compatibility. To help you navigate this tricky terrain, here are five money questions you should ask before you start packing.
1. What does money actually mean to us?
It’s important to understand what money means to both you and your partner. Do you have a mindset of scarcity, a fear of financial instability, or a belief that with great wealth comes great stinginess? According to relationship expert John Kenny, surfacing and understanding these underlying beliefs is essential for building a solid financial union with your partner. “If you are not on the same page long term, this can lead to disappointment and arguments down the line,” he warns.
This can also be a good time to discuss the kind of sacrifices you might be willing to make for financial stability. For example, would you stay in a job that you don’t like because your salary affords you the lifestyle you want? Or are you prepared to tighten your belt if one of you hates your job and wants to leave it? Are you willing to make sacrifices for the other’s happiness? And at what cost?
2. Where does our money go?
Often the biggest dread when dealing with finances is having to sit down and do a proper audit of your outgoings. Suddenly, that late-night online shopping splurge feels a tad revealing when you’re face-to-face with a spreadsheet and a partner who’s trying to hide their shock.
As horrific as it can be to do a post-mortem on your finances, try to look at it as a positive. Being honest about where your money is going is a great way to get a handle on your current financial status and it could even give you some insight into where you can start making some savings. As a couple, you might be able to combine subscriptions or consolidate other costs.
However, John also advises keeping an eye out for any red flags. If your partner is reluctant to share how they spend, then it could be a sign of overspending, hidden debts or even a gambling habit. If they don’t want you to know where their money is going, there’s usually a reason why.
3. Can we afford the lifestyle we want?
If you’re moving in together, chances are you’re already envisioning your future together. The big question is: do your visions look the same? If you don’t address this early on, you can end up spending years with someone believing you’re both working towards the same goals when really you’re heading in opposite directions
Sophie Cress, a licensed marriage and family therapist, emphasises the importance of creating a safe space for financial discussions. She suggests setting a positive tone and framing the conversation as an opportunity to strengthen your bond and plan your future together.
Choosing a relaxed, distraction-free time to chat can help keep the conversation focused. Sophie advises starting with open-ended questions to understand each other’s financial goals, values and experiences. This approach lays the groundwork for mutual understanding, paving the way for more sensitive topics down the road.
4. Who will pay for what?
Pretty much every relationship, no matter how secure, can struggle with an income imbalance. And when you move in together, you have to decide how to divvy up those bills and household expenses. Are you both expecting a strict 50/50 split, regardless of who the bigger earner is? Or are you open to a more flexible arrangement, taking into account differences in salary and earnings?
Getting this stuff sorted from the get-go can save you a lot of trouble down the line. Without having a frank conversation about it, you might find yourselves in a situation of simmering tension where one partner feels like they’re carrying the financial burden, while the other feels like they’re not contributing.
5. How will we deal with financial disagreements?
When disagreements arise – and they will – it’s important to address them calmly and respectfully, listening to each other’s perspective without jumping to conclusions.
Setting financial goals together and regularly reviewing expenses can help prevent conflict and provide a natural opportunity to address any spending habits that are causing concern – such as impulse buys racking up on the joint account.
While some couples are perfectly fine with one partner making purchases for the house on their behalf, it’s important that both parties are on the same page regarding household spending. “Establishing clear communication and problem-solving strategies around money can strengthen your relationship and help you navigate future challenges,” says Sophie.
If you struggle to talk about money, or any other tricky subject, check out our communication masterclass with Camilla Long for advice and techniques on how to have better, more effective conversations.
